Toward the end of the visit she said something I don’t hear
much…even from folks that I’ve tried to coach on this subject. “You look really
good” she lied…and then added “it was really good to see you.”
Now this is noteworthy for a couple of reasons. First and
foremost, and in a bit for a correction from above, it’s something I NEVER
hear. Oh sure, my 84 year-old mother has probably said it a time or two, but
she has macular degeneration and admits that people appear mostly as
silhouettes to her. But honestly, nobody ever tells me I “look really good.”
BTW…thinking back on the exchange, she didn’t used the word “really.” I just
added that as part of my tendency to remember things more fondly then they
actually occurred.
The comments I typically receive are on the other end of the
spectrum. “You look tired” is perhaps my favorite, but people slinging insults
my way usually don’t stop there. “Have a rough night?” is quite common…or “did
you not get much sleep last night” is fairly standard too. “Long weekend?” is
another gem I’m asked quite frequently and there are even times when folks have
asked things like “you drinking enough water?” or “how’s your health?” One time
a good friend wrote me an email after just seeing me after a long absence and
pleaded “you really need to take a vacation.”
This practice of friendship has always puzzled me, as I’ve
never really appreciated being told I look like crap. I get that only a good
friend can tell you when you’ve got spinach in your teeth, but I’m 52,
and trust me, I’m vain enough to recognize when I shave each morning that
things are trending terribly the wrong way. I’m also well-aware that this
decline is only accelerating, so when you tell me I “look stressed,” that is
not helpful news to me. For the most part, those of us that don’t look good are
usually fairly aware of it (I got some BMI news yesterday that almost made me
cry) so we don’t need friends to remind us of that fact. What we do need good
friends to do when we don’t look good is to lie…or at least to practice the
astonishingly rare practice of remaining silent. If you think we look tired,
keep that little assessment to yourself as we probably already know because we
feel tired too.
Some friends of ours that I hadn’t seen for a long time
visited us a few weeks ago while on a college visit with their daughter to
George Washington University. As they walked up the steps to the house, I
remember being struck at how genuinely good they both looked. I probably hadn’t
seen either of them for over 10 years, and to me, they both looked exactly the
same. As the family ascended the stairs, the father looked at me, smiled and
said “man…look at you…you look great.” Now…initially…it didn’t dawn on me that
he was being gracious or good with fiction…and I remember thinking immediately
that I’d forgotten how much I loved this couple. I truly do like people that
are polished enough or just plain considerate enough to look at me and
convincingly say something flattering even if they’re privately thinking “oh my
lord…time has not been good to you. Don’t you drink any water or take
vacations?”
What’s the point of all this? Not sure I know either but
right off the bat two things come to mind. First, as noted in these posts previously
and again today, if you’re tempted to help a friend by telling them they look
like shit, think of it kind of like hunting defenseless animals, stealing,
taking a life or watching NASCAR and do all you can to fight that urge. Second…you
know…to be honest…I can’t remember the second thing. I’m tired…and I didn’t get
much sleep last night.
Have a
great weekend, and if you run into an old friend that looks good, don’t be
afraid to tell them. If you run into a friend that doesn’t, don’t be afraid to
lie…or to at least remember not to tell them something they probably already
know.
Cowboy Girl
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