It was sometime in the middle of
the evening of a dinner party we attended last week when one of the couples
mentioned something that was so disturbing that it’s haunted me all week. “We
don’t have a TV.” Just thinking about it still sends shivers down my spine.
Listen, I get that people have decided to live without the comfort of
indoor plumbing, two refrigerators, a wine cellar, air conditioning or a commode
mounted bidet (You'll have
more friends)...but no TV? I mean it would be one thing if you thought you
could struggle without the fourth flat screen in the kitchen, or that that the
little 19” in the master bathroom was excessive…but no TV in the
entire house? Hell, why not just do without a washing machine, wireless home
internet, your new espresso maker or a heated towel rack?
Just the analytics on this blog
have shown have that most of the weekly offerings are total duds, but the
pageviews increase exponentially when the subject is quality television.
It probably has something to do with the fact that TV is just more
important than most of the other subjects touched on here, but I also want to
believe people find genuine value in the many great products available on informative
infomercials. So, in response to the blog analytics, here ‘s another effort to
enrich your lives and demonstrate that you’re doing a disservice to yourself
and your family if you’re living without the magic of television.
If your teenage children are
incorrigible and destine for a life term at Folsom because they’ve been raised
without the benefit of modern conveniences like television, go to www.stopdisrespect.com or call
1-800-642-8081 for the total transformation. This revolutionary program, headed
up by child therapists Janet and James Lehman will completely transform your
misbehaving teen into a model candidate poised for a full academic scholarship
at Columbia. Save yourself the humiliation of inevitable prison visits or
embarrassing holiday letters providing updates describing your child’s cell. Go
to www.stopdisrespect.com now.
The total transformation
infomercial ended at 5am but thankfully tele-evangelist Joyce Meyer was on
right after. She was preaching on a grand stage to a huge audience, and it may
have even been from Joel Osteen’s Lakewood church in Houston (there was a big
rotating gold globe in the background that looked like the one on Joel’s
altar). Joyce was talking about god and saying that you can build a phony life
or a sincere life that is modeled after what god wants you to do. Joyce asked
how much the attendees were doing in their lives that were designed to
please people…but not god. Joyce said she believed what she was sharing could
change lives…maybe not right away…but eventually. You see, it’s all about doing
everything you do for god and not for yourself. Anyhow, Joyce’s sermon was
pretty much a snore-fest but the essence of her message seemed to be to do
every single thing you do because it’s right and because it’s what god wants
you to do. It’s all about motives…and you can transform your life (if you have
a TV and were able to see this) by doing everything for god.
If you love clean floors and
carpets (if you prefer them filthy…you can skip this paragraph), Amy Motta is pitching a revolutionary floor
and carpet cleaner called the Shark Sonic Duo. Amy and Shark’s CEO Mark (didn’t
catch his last name) were on the show, and Mark was demonstrating how the Sonic
Duo beats the average run-of-the-mill vacuum cleaner. You see…a rudimentary
vacuum picks up only dry dirt, but the Shark Sonic Duo cleans “stuck on” dirt
and actually makes your carpet brighter with each cleaning (it’s like the
difference between conventional and HD television). They pulled a carbon fibers
from both vacuumed carpet (with an old-school cleaner) and a carpet treated
with the Sonic Duo. The fibers were magnified over 400X and the carpet piece
cleaned with the Duo was shockingly cleaner. As noted, the Shark Sonic picks up
“stuck on” dirt and it’s “the greatest carpet cleaning breakthrough in
decades.” There were a host of people testifying to the Sonic’s “ trap &
remove” technology and these weren’t your average trailer-park infomercial
participants that needed subtitles so you knew what they were saying. There was
even one Sonic user from Chevy Chase, MD…and folks in this upscale neighborhood
are not going to go on trash infomercial television to sing the praises of some
product without knowing it’s legit. You can learn more about the Sonic Duo and
this amazing offer by going to www.TrySonicDuo.com
or by calling 800-496-3967. You would think a revolutionary product of this
magnitude would cost well over $500 dollars, but if you order right now, you
can get the Sonic Duo not for $500…not for $400, not for even $300 dollars…but
for only 5 easy payments of just $49.95. But wait!...if you call or go
online now, Shark will make one of your payments for you. Start dialing now!
Don’t know if you’re making the connection yet, but no TV=no Sonic Duo=stuck on
dirt=subpar childhood=life sentence at maximum security facility.
If you’ve ever wondered why
Roselyn Sanchez has such amazing hair, it’s because she uses Wen. If you’ve
even wondered who Roselyn Sanchez is…go to Celebrities nobody
knows to learn more about her. Alyssa Milano (was on some show with Tony
Danza) uses it too…and they showed before and after pictures of her once frizzy
hair and it was hard not to become a Wen convert. You can get the Wen
hair care system by going to www.Wen.com/Travel.
The good news is you won’t pay hundreds of dollars for this amazing hair care
system…you can get it not for $49.95, not even $39.95, but for just $29.95. If
you don’t have a computer or can’t afford internet service because you haven’t
watched enough TV, you can borrow a friend’s cell phone and call
1-800-586-3449. If you’re skeptical, you need to know this is a Gunthy Renker
product and it comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee. They had some cat
named Chaz on the show that does hair for the Miss America pageant. Chaz was
doing Miss Virginia (that reads funny) and Miss Texas’s hair on the show…and
these girls were blown away. Miss Wisconsin noted that using Wen made her whole
body feel better. She also won the Miss America competition…so get busy being
beautiful and become a Wen girl now.
If your home carpet is clean and
your hair looks good but you still need to drop 30 pounds and eliminate a
couple of chins, you can solve your problems with a risk free trail offer of
the Total Gym. If you thought Christie Brinkley was a talentless has-been
that’s been relegated to bad infomercials that are only broadcast in the wee
hours of the morning, well, you should know she’s working with mega star Chuck
Norris to push this incredible Total Gym trial offer. This commercial was
loaded with believable testimonials from Total Gym users that have lost
astonishing amounts of weight in a very short time. All it takes is 10-minues a
day. Katrina and (sorry…missed the name of the second girl) are the Tone it Up
girls and they were pictured on the beach in Santa Monica, CA (just south of
the pier in my old stomping grounds) using the Total Gym right on the sand. The
girl’s philosophy (I so knew the Tone it Up Girls had a philosophy) is that you
won’t use something unless you enjoy it…and they both had very big smiles on
their faces while they were working out with the Total Gym on the beach.
Trainer Todd Durkin was also on the show and he too was singing the praises of
the great product. You can try the total gym risk-free in your own home for 30
days for only $14.95 by calling 1-800-459-9780. The aforementioned Chuck
Norris, who appears to have the same amazing natural hair colorist as fitness
guru Richard Simmons, was also showing the continued benefits of the Total Gym.
He was working his back, his triceps, and he noted he stayed in shape for his
latest movie Expendables II by using the Total Gym. If you want to check out
Chuck’s chiseled Total Gym body in the movie, you can see him by clicking movies
with a big cast that you've still never heard of.
Speaking of Richard
Simmons, all those tears have taken their toll and
he is now 65 and looking every bit like the prune he played in those old
Fruit of the Loom underwear commercials. Richard
has a new 90-day weight-loss program called Project Hope…but in general, he’s just as creepy and annoying as
ever. You might not ordinarily be interested, but this offering
includes new songs recorded exclusively by Richard Simmons. If you haven’t been motivated watching him workout in
those really short shorts, you have got to hear him sing. Whether your
overweight, out of shape, or even if you’re just a washed up prune with a
really badly dyed perm, Richard’s triple training method will help you burn 3X
more fat than you do watching his infomercial.
The workouts are split into 9 exercise programs
over 3 months. You also get Richard’s 3-part electronic food-mover program to
help you eat right too. BTW…just listening to
Richard sing had my food moving. It also includes motivational
tips and tricks. You can get this for just three payments of $29.99 at www.RichardSimmonsHOPE.com.
If you’re one of the first 500 to call, they’ll make the first month’s
payment for you (1-800-319-7600). You may be skeptical, but if you’re not
satisfied you can return it for a 100% money back guarantee (and you get to
keep the electronic food-mover guide).
On Bravo you can get a true beauty breakthrough by
purchasing a tria New Laser 4x hair removal system (www.TRYTRIALLASER.COM). It’s a limited
time offer but you get a 90-day money-back guarantee. If you have unwanted hair
and you’re tired of shaving or waxing, you can call 1-800-301-9313. Best I can
tell, the tria (yes…it’s lower cased to make is
seem cooler) Laser 4X is like having a laser treatment right in your own
home. Apparently you have to make multiple trips to the doctor if you do this
the conventional and truly safe way…and it’s
very costly. So, much like tria’s popular appendicitis
home surgery product, the Laser 4X allows you to work like a doctor in the
comfort of your own home without the hassle of
completing medical school and serving an unneeded residency. As with tria’s home face-lift and triple bypass surgery
kits, there are burning side effects that last for a couple of days. Thanfully, they fade over time, the product is “clinically proven” and you’re
free of unwanted hair permanently.
On the WETA public television
station there was a show entitled Great Performances at the Met. People were
dressed up in elaborate period piece costumes and were singing some
indecipherable language. Zzzzzz……
Thankfully just one change up
was an infomercial about the Worx GT2 garden tool. I didn’t watch long but best
as I could tell, the cutting-edge landscape tool allows you to use a weed
whacker as a walk-behind edger. Seeing the garden tool in action, I couldn’t
help but thinking if you had the GT2, you really wouldn’t need the tria Laser
4x hair removal system. If you know anything about law-care, you are well aware
that the difference between an freshly cut lawn and a truly manicured yard is a
straight edge from a professional trimmer. Like a lot of infomercials, this one
was filled with a host of very credible satisfied homeowners that were
compensated by the company to brag about the best cordless trimmer ever made
regardless of how well it actually works. You can say goodbye to frustrating
pull-cord starts and bothersome trips to the gas station, or fighting with
cumbersome and often tangled extension cords by using the Worx 2. It comes with
a high-capacity lithium battery that will allow you to achieve a perfect cut
every time (Sounds like the Flowbee).
It’s made of aircraft aluminum and you can get it by calling 1-800-599-7137.
It’s only 3 easy payments of $33.33 and it comes with a lifetime supply of
cutting twine.
If you thought Montel Williams was washed up and doing
increasingly bad infomercials, well, put this in
your pipe and smoke it. If you watch Tommie Chopper TV, you can see
Montel shilling for a pain product called Tommie Copper Compression Wear. You
can get this product at www.tommiecopper.tv
or call 1-800-650-3892. The compression wear will improve your flexibility and
mobility too.
At 1-800-529-2147 or www.FeedTheChirdren.org you can
help starving children with struggling parents that have lost their jobs by
making a small payment. I know what you’re thinking...how does this help
me? Where’s the clicker?
JNL Fusion has some gal
named Jennifer (looks more fit than Jillian Michaels…and she’s tan as a berry)
using short 30-second intervals (I might be able to do this) to get
unbelievable results. All you need is a 5x5 space
(but my body is almost a 5x5 space) and a DVD player (and a magic wand). Jennifer is known the world
wide (well…except for me) for turning moms into fitness models. If you order
you can get a free “Blast off the fat” guide by
going to www.JNLFusion.com
. Apparently it improves everything about your life, including sex and your
relationship with your family (I know what you’re
thinking if you live in Tennessee). I was skeptical but there were
multiple people so moved by their body transformation that they were crying.
You can call and begin your 90-day transformation by dialing 1-800-713-7936.
I switched back to another WETA
station and there was a show about hot dogs (Public TV is getting
better). While I was watching, they were focusing on a place called
the Original Hot Dog Shop in Pittsburgh (Check it out here). Best I
could tell it was on (or near) the University of Pittsburgh and their large
order of French fries alone made it look as though it’s worth the trip. I
didn’t catch any of the prices, but you can check out the menu at the link
above. If nothing else, the experience showed there is at least some hope for
publicly funded programing.
You can Break the Drought by watching BET and catching
sincere tele-evangelist Peter Popoff and his lovely charlatan wife Elizabeth.
By calling 1-800-925-7785 you can break the drought in your life by getting a
new miracle mixture (this appears to be an upgrade of his previous Miracle
Spring Water). I was pretty skeptical but Peter and Elizabeth invited me closer
to the TV to touch the screen (they were holding their hands up to the TV…and if you have no TV…well…the defense rests) and
pray with them. He asked me to open up and receive the anointed word. Then,
like a miracle, the screen was abundant with Popoff followers sharing
testimonies about how their financial and health droughts were broken. Most of
them received huge checks in the mail or experienced a medical miracle simply
by sprinkling a little of the miracle mixture on their respective problems. Peter was interviewing a host of believers at a crusade
in Arkansas (big surprise) that were healed of un-curable diseases by spreading
the miracle mixture over their bodies. One cat, totally disabled with
back pain…got up and started running after Peter starting yelling “Jesus.”
Peter claims god sent him the mixture (I’m sold), which is the same mixture god
used to end the drought in Israel. You can end the drought in your body, your
finances and your relationships by getting your free packet of miracle mixture
at www.peterpopoff.org . One user got
an 88K miracle. Another had a drought ended through 54K in debt cancelation. A
watcher from Mesquite, Texas was sent a $2 million dollar check. Another viewer
was completely cured of Hepatitis C. Another had a debt cancellation of 71K.
Your drought is going to be broken in the name of Jesus. One forlorn couple
spread the mixture in their home library and it was transformed into a
state-of-the-art media/entertainment room (will three 54” flatscreens).
Have a great weekend. BTW…If you
have a DVD player or Television that is internet, ready, you can listen to
music in your home on Pandora through your TV. Doing so will allow you to hear
music like this...
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