...and it's time to enrich your mind with a little paid TV

My mind was starting to atrophy from the daily doses of shallow business talk on CNBC’s morning show Squawk Box, so it seemed about time again to stimulate some brain cells by scanning the HD channels for some quality paid programing. Thankfully…it didn’t take long to get the cerebral juices flowing because the first infomercial I came across was for a revolutionary product called “my pillow.” You can learn about it a www.mypillow.com, but in essence, the miracle product helps with your “cervical line of adjustment.” If you’re wondering why you need your cervical line to be in alignment, you should fight the need to know because the pillow is guaranteed to be the most comfortable you’ll ever own. If it isn’t, you get your money back…so in other words…it's risk-free. On top of that, you will get the most comfortable night’s sleep ever and it’s guaranteed for 10 years (unlike so many other pillows that literally explode after about 18 months). You can get the life-altering pillow by calling 1-800-651-1983.

If you’re skeptical, the infomercial showcased an audience full of convincing folks that traveled from all over to give testimony about the pillow’s effectiveness. If getting a great night’s sleep isn’t enough for you, you can get 25% off your new pillow if you call right now.  Still leery…well you won’t be after you factor in this little tidbit. You see, aside from the obvious comfort benefits, My Pillow also cures snoring. For all you people wearing masks or for those of you whose spouse has been forced to grab sleep in a separate room…this bears repeating…My Pillow cures snoring. Now really, why would you not want to own the best pillow ever when it can be procured at a 75% of the normal purchase price? Plus, after a good night's sleep, you'll be all the more open to the supernatural benefits of paid TV.

One such miracle appeared on BET, where an evangelist named Danny Davis (that looks eerily like a cat I used to work with) was peddling something called No Evil Oil (NOE). If you like magical solutions that can achieve truly biblical results, it was hard not to be intrigued.

If the magical concoction that casts out Satan and cures tumors, blindness and all that ails you isn’t enough for you to get busy and go to http://pastordannydavis.com, preacher Davis also sports a vintage (and well-groomed) mullet. I called and ordered some free prayer-blessed no evil oil (it’s prayed over for 17 days prior to release for your use), and like a miracle on cue, the person standing by on the phone talked me into making a $50 donation (thankfully the oil was still Free). It didn't take long for the move to pay off, for as I was on the phone ordering, the clock turned to 6am and a new BET program came on that offers a miracle formula that makes NOE seem about as hip as Dickonson's Witch Hazel.

Like a tangible answer to prayer, Peter Popoff and his "beautiful" wife Elizabeth (Liz) appeared on BET and they were offering FREE Miracle Spring Water! This amazing show was rife with convincing high-definition footage of various crusades from around the world where Peter was healing a host of illnesses from cancer to heart disease to paralysis. He was yelling things like “brand new heart” and “new pair of legs.” Now…you may be skeptical, but people were literally throwing their crutches across the stage and dancing.

Peter then quoted scripture and talked about the “set time” and explained we are about to experience an explosion of God’s abundance.  I know, I know…you’re not seeing the advantages of MSW over No Evil Oil. Ah…but here’s what you learn if you watch infomercials carefully. While NEO makes modern medicine obsolete, Miracle Spring Water also makes Obamacare meaningless but has an added financial feature lacking in the one dimensional oil.

While having some liquid around that cures all your physical health challenges is certainly nice, MSW can also ensure your financial health through a miraculous dynamic called “divine debt cancelation.” We’ve talked about it before here, and with this extraordinary tool, “burdensome financial woes” (otherwise known as bills you knowingly incurred) are divinely eradicated by god. Owe too much on your mortgage? No problem…just sprinkle a little MSW on the loan documents and bam…you’re right side up. Discouraged by the portion of that Orthodontist bill that your insurance didn’t cover? Ha…no need to worry. Take the invoice and pour a couple of drops of MSW on it and your Orthodontist forgets the bill.

Actually, in truth, I’m not sure if the amount is just forgiven, magically paid, or simply vanishes altogether. At the end-of-the-day all you need to know is that your debt is divinely canceled and it is no longer your obligation to pay. You can pick up your supply of Miracle Spring Water by calling 1-800-925-7785 or by going to www.peterpopoff.org. I know it sounds farfetched, but I totally blew off my tax obligation last year by merely sprinkling some MSW on my 1040 long form. Other than having my vehicles repossessed, my wages garnished and constant visits from Federal agents at the house, I’m living pretty much debt free.

If you’re ugly, and if you don’t yet have any miracle spring water or no evil oil to massage into your face, BRAVO was airing an infomercial called Luminess Air. Unlike old-school foundation make up, Luminess Air doesn’t cake on. Your traditional foundation can get "cakey," which explains how it can make you look as much as 10 years older. The before-and-after photos were compelling (most people in the “after” shots really did look 10 years younger), and Luminess Air is totally risk free. You can get the revolutionary way of applying make-up (it’s the Hollywood make-up secret) by calling 1-800-581-6480. If you’re wondering if this fountain of youth is really for you, please click the link below to get a list of people that really need Luminess Air (in bluk) right now www.concealyourfaceforthecomfortofothers.com.

OK…that was a bogus link…but admit it…you clicked in and checked.  

If you like Cheryl Tiegs and if you’re suffering from chronic inflammation pain (apparently…we all are), you can reduce it with an all-natural product straight from the Sonoran Desert called Nopalea. Just call 1-800-341-5037 for your Free 32 oz. Bottle (Pay only $9.95 for S&H…or better yet…find your MSW bottle and cancel the S&H charges). All you have to do is drink 3 to 6 ounces a day for several days and your pain will go away.

The following program on ABCFHD (after Nopalea) at 5am was brought to me by Joseph Prince Ministries. If you provide a gift of any size, you get some of Joseph Prince’s latest CDs (Empowered By His Love). You can send in your gift by calling 1-877-901-4300 or by going to www.JosephPrince.org.  Joseph was dressed in black and appeared to be wearing a light leather jacket. He also had one of those cool headset mouth-microphones like Garth Brooks used when he flew around the stage, so like Brooks, Prince is pretty mobile as he paces in front of the audience. Prince revealed that the streets of heaven are not just paved with gold…they’re actually solid gold. He also stated that when in heaven, the scriptures teach us “you will eat from vineyards you did not grow and live in houses you did not build.” No wonder I like the east coast so much…I’m pretty much doing that now. I probably should have kept watching Prince, but I’d only been up for little more than two hours at 6:10 am so it seemed best to switch to a paid program that might keep me awake. Plus…Prince seemed to be doing a lot of unnecessary yelling.

Like an answer to prayer, just one click on the remote brought me to Inspiration Camp Meeting (www.inspritationCampmeeting.com) and the dynamic evangelist Doctor Todd Coontz. I’m guessing Todd hails from a farming background, because he’s always talking about sowing seeds. On this morning he was talking about godly favor and explaining that the “Heavens will give rain in due season.” Like any backsliding skeptic, the devil began infusing me with doubt and I was starting to think Coontz was a bona fide charlatan (plus…I’ve previously sown more than a few $273 faith seeds that haven’t even produced a beanstalk). Then Todd mentioned that Sylvester Stallone watches his show (and sends him Tweets), so…well…there really isn’t much more to say…I’m back on board. As he often does, Todd was talking a lot about Fed Ex miracles and the good that come from planting $1,000 seeds to his ministry. Essentially, all you have to do is get out your credit card and make a $1,000 gift to Todd (I charged two seeds) and you will enjoy “triple favor.” Don’t know this for sure, but I’m guessing yet another benefit is that Todd will enjoy favor through the many $1,000 seeds purchased by folks like me.  This is just a side note…but once again, it’s amazing how much Todd resembles Pastor Danny Davis…who resembles a guy I used to work with.

For just six payments of just $19.95, you can get the Food Lovers Fat Loss System by calling 1-800-353-3549. Unlike other programs, Food Lovers Fat Loss System is guaranteed to  provide weight loss. What makes this program unique is that unlike other ineffective diet systems, this program is for people that love food (this is soooo for me). Little did I know that as sit here on the couch with my Cheetos and Peanut Butter breakfast, I’m actually losing weight. The show was full of passionate testimonials from people that have lost a ton of pounds and inches by actually eating more. One skeptical customer actually increased the amount of food he ate and lost 55 pounds.

This is a really, really good program, because the metabolism makeover feature allows you eat even more of the foods you like while turning your body into a “fat burning machine.” You can stoke your body’s fat-burning furnace by going to www.TryFoodLovers.com. I picked up my free trial program for just $19.95. It kind of seemed like I was paying, but the total of $119.95 (or six installments of $19.95) is a fraction of other diet plans that stubbornly promote the old-school concept of eating less to shed pounds. Much like my new pillow, this amazing eat more and lose weight miracle system is risk free...because if you don’t lose weight…you don’t pay.

*Don’t mean to point out the obvious here, but really, with Peter Popoff’s Miracle Spring Water and divine debt cancellation system, the whole risk-free thing kind of rings hollow because I don’t really pay for anything anymore.

You can get the body you’ve always wanted by going to www.russianbrides.com (or www.thunderdownunder.com), however if you want to make your body a body that a Russian bride (or anybody else) might want, you’ll probably have to give in and get P90X. You can obtain it by going to www.p90x.com or by calling 1-800-314-5861.

The secret is truly revolutionary, and once you get the 90-day program for three easy installments of $39.95 (or free with MSW), you will be blown away by the complexity of the miracle weight-loss concept. Now, I wasn’t aware of this until this morning, but apparently (you may want to sit down for this), if you put down the french fries and Big Gulp of leaded orange soda and get off the couch to exercise your freaking ass off for 40-plus minutes a day for 90 days (and follow the starvation nutrition plan)…you will lose weight. Talk about the holy grail…do you believe these dumbasses are sharing this cutting-edge concept for a mere $120.00?

I so didn’t see this coming…but according this never-before advanced theory, if you exercise routinely and eat right every day for a mere three months, you will lose weight and transform your body. Now before you put down the bon bons and start doing sit ups, don’t get carried away. Because it's new…it probably hasn’t been validated and I’m not certain this idea has truly stood the test of time.

I was just about to try the mindboggling exercise/nutrition approach mentioned above when the no evil oil I rubbed on my TV remote finally produced a paid programing miracle. One channel up from the unproven P90X workout/eat less nonsense was an infomercial that is much better designed to fit my family size Cheetos lifestyle. It’s called the Tummy Tuck System, and best of all, it doesn’t involve any of the sweat/reduced calorie BS promoted by Beach Body (P90X).

First off, the tummy tuck only takes 10 minutes a day (leaving a full ½ hour a day for more infomercials not available through P90X) and involves wearing a thermal belt and rubbing on some cream. Now we’re talking…this is a program I can stick to (although I did get a little winded rubbing the cream over my entire stomach surface area). If you needed more evidence as to the superiority of this product, it’s available for only two payments of $19.95 and unlike the 3-month P90X plan, Tummy Tuck produces results in just 30 days.

Actually, all this talk about exercise and weight loss is making me tired, so I think I’ll take My Pillow and take a power nap.

Have a wonderful weekend, and before you start the madness of the workday, enjoy a little music...

Give it away...