...and don't look now, but 2014 is right around the corner

Unlike probably most of you, my record with respect to New Year’s resolutions isn’t very good. Though I’ve never really made a big deal about them, I seem to conjure up a few about this time every year.

Most of them aren’t too exciting…and include all of the usual stuff like dropping a few pounds, saving a little more money, assimilating a little more in the office, dropping a few less f-bombs and improving on my Italian. Seems to me I had all those on the list for 2013, but after almost 360 days to accomplish any of those, my bench-press totals are down along with my net worth. I’m weighing in at a 2013 high which is appropriate because I fit in even less with the culture in the office.  Mein Deutsch ist immer viel besser che il mio italiano and as if that wasn’t failure enough, my effing cussing could still make most sailors blush. Too bad my 2013 resolution wasn’t to fail at resolutions…I’d have hit it out of the park.

Seems to me I also promised to try to treat people better too…but sadly, I’d have to go back and check to see whether that goal was set on the threshold of 2013 or even 2012. Doesn’t really matter though, because as with everything else on the list above, I already know full-well that is yet another area where I haven’t measured up.

One late December I set the bar so low I couldn’t fail. All I wanted to do is drink two 16 ounce bottles of water a day and take the metro to work at least once a month. The water thing lasted until about late March as I recall and seems to me I managed a metro ride a month until about July. At that point, the steamy 90 degree late-summer walks (with 107% humidity) were more than I (or my colleagues) could handle.

Back in 2009 I did make one resolution stick. I resolved to take the stairs (10 floors) up from the parking structure to my office every day when I arrived at work. Amazingly I’ve managed to do that every, single stinking work day for four freaking years (presuming I stick with it next Monday and Tuesday). While chest-pounding on this is probably more than a bit self-aggrandizing (I need to resolve to use less five dollar words where a 25 cent one would work just fine), this is really no small achievement. You see, I’ve taking the stairs no matter what…kind of like those cats that deliver mail. Doesn’t matter if I’m carrying a Uke, my guitar, and small holiday tree or even if I have the flu…I still schlep up the steps come rain or shine. Even when I’ve arrived the exact same time as the boss and ride the elevator up to suck up, I still grab the next elevator down just so I can walk up the damn stairs.

So…for 2014 I’ve again the bar low but for whatever reason, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to be all that automatic. Every December, as I’m tidying up my holiday card endeavor, I lament the fact that there are a few less people around to receive cards. Some years are worse than others, but almost without fail, at least one or two relatives, friends or former colleagues pass away. As I get older, and face undeniable reality that I have many more days in the review mirror than on the road ahead, I think about all the good folks that are no longer here. I’m also more keenly aware of the devastating toll that stress is taking on people in general and particularly on me (it’s not hard when 9 out of 10 people you talk to care enough to tell you when “you look tired.”).  

Now…I can’t control who will be around on January 1^st, 2015, and to be honest, I probably don’t hold the wheel on road to my own future either. But despite that reality, all I’m going to resolve to do in 2014 is survive until 2015. Pretty simple eh? Well that and I might try to shed some weight, save a little more dough, hit the speed bag longer and treat people a little better too. Actually, if I can just do that last one…it will be a good year.

And I’m still going to take the stairs.

Happy New Year!

Drink a cup of kindness

...and another holiday season just passed by in a blur

There were high-expectations for a relaxing and chilled holiday season this year, but despite those best of intentions, a quick glance at the calendar this Friday morning confirms that like every recent year, that holiday dream was simply pure fantasy. Sadly, though the feeling is probably exacerbated by the real-time experience, I’m pretty sure 2013’s hustle-and-bustle is the worst I’ve experienced to date. I so wanted a nice, slow, festive, and rejuvenating December...but once again…an indefensibly insane work schedule, everyday life, and my pitiful inability to plan conspired to mean it just wouldn’t happen. Again.

Like every year, I had visions of early shopping and being prepared to the point that I could take in the holiday season and just sort of stroll from one holiday party to the other humming carols in the crisp air while truly wallowing in the magic of the season. There was supposed to be chestnuts on open fires, sleigh bells, yuletide carols and frosted window panes. Instead, it’s been peperoni pizza, depressing meetings, honking horns and the chilling temperature in the nation’s capital this coming Sunday is supposed to be a frosty 74 Fahrenheit . Hell…most times this summer, my front lawn wasn’t as green as it is right now. I hope Santa delivers his toys on a red riding mower this year.

This year there was going to be relaxing nights by the fire, glistening trees, sipping red-wine and visiting with friends while Frank and Bing softly serenaded us with holiday favorites. In fairness, there’s been some of that, but the truth is I’ve spent more time perusing internet gift sites and stressing about all my undone shopping than hanging mistletoe or sipping egg nog. Sure, I’ve numbed my brain by guzzling wine (pretty skipping the whole glass nonsense) straight from the bottle most nights in December just to cope, but in summary, despite the best laid plans, the season’s just been a complete bust. Perhaps I should take comfort in numbers, as I cannot tell you the number of people that I’ve heard say something like “this year…the holiday season just got away from me.”

It’s not like I wasn’t aware of the compressed nature of the holidays this time around. I’d heard Hanukkah was around Halloween this year and that Thanksgiving was going to be in December, but somehow I just didn’t adjust (for about the fifth year in a row, I didn’t even get my wife anything for Hanukkah). At the end of the day, all that came my way this holiday season was more stress…and for the record, that is the one thing that I already possess in complete abundance.

Needless to say I was feeling pretty disgusted with and sorry for myself. Even the little bit of holiday cheer I receive each year from the 40 or so cards I receive (real cards…with a handwritten message) weren’t providing the usual holiday boost.  For one thing, there’s been less of them (must be the Thanksgiving compression thing)…and most of notes just didn’t seem as uplifting as usual. This past Tuesday I noticed a smaller card that at first glance I didn’t recognize. It was from an old friend that usual doesn’t send me a card. He was a guy I used to work with, and was one of the best I’d ever had the privilege to be around. Though he probably never knew it, I respected his grit, honesty and courage as much as anyone I’ve ever met.

The perfectly written cursive note shared that he’d received my card…but that it had made him “sad.” He revealed that it made him think if all the good times we’d had working together and referenced the camaraderie we and the others in our crew had shared. He wrote about all the memories, and  much he missed being around the gang. Then, in his last line, he wrote this. “I miss you and all the great people I worked with. Life has changed so much since my stroke.” At the bottom of the card, it was clear he had struggled to sign the card (written by someone else), with the printed letters of his name.

As so often happens in my self-centered life, here I was feeling sorry for myself and my otherwise care-free existence when an old mentor with much bigger challenges had to show me…well…you get the point.

We’ve all got our crosses to bear, but if your biggest concerns this holiday season are unwrapped presents and the A-Hole that just cut you off on the express way, then pop in a Dean Martin CD, kick back by the fire (actually if you live in the eastern U.S., you can put your bathing suit on this weekend and head to the beach), and just chill. Whatever you’re dealing with, there are hoards of people that probably have it worse so if you can, try to think for a minute about those with bigger struggles. If you know somebody that’s having a tough time, you might want to even give them a hug…or do at least something to make them know you care. Don’t really know what that would be, but I don’t have much time to think about it. I need to call an old work buddy.

Instead...

and if you're faced with a moral dilemna, picture the Wall Street Journal

This past Wednesday was only the second time that I’d presented on the topic, and that’s probably a good thing since I’m certainly no authority on the actual subject matter. The exact name of the segment, which was presented as part of leadership training at a session in San Diego, was “Leading with Integrity; Building Power Through Ethics and Transparency.”

Now, if it had been a session on cutting in a ground fault interrupter outlet above your kitchen counter then I would probably have been qualified to deliver the content, but on the subject of leading with integrity, my only real credential would probably be to serve as an example of what not to do. In the spirit of the total transparency that I was advocating as part of the presentation, I candidly acknowledged that at the outset of the class.

Thankfully though I work for somebody that models that behavior every day. While I’m inclined to be a bit more cautious when disseminating information, she, as overseer of the finances for a large organization, instinctively puts all the information out there. It never matters if it’s good or bad news either, she just believes by default that honesty and total transparency is the best way to establish credibility and trust. Over time, I have begrudgingly witnessed the value of this approach, and I’ve seen the practice turn some of what once were the harshest of critics into robust supporters.

So, I guess by virtue of this experience and association, I do after all possess at least some small credential to lead this type of discussion. While I can’t profess to being an example of model ethical and transparent behavior in my own professional career, having the benefit of working for others that have and do allows me to present through the lens of somebody that’s lived the upside of working along-side others lead by doing the right thing.

All this got me to thinking about an experience I had while going through a MPA program some years ago at the University of Baltimore. There was an ethics class taught by seasoned chap named Louis Gawthrop, who remains a legend in Public Administration circles. He was the son on a union electrician from Baltimore and given my IBEW roots, he liked me from the start. At least to me, he had almost a god-like appearance, and with this advanced years, white locks and non-threatening all-knowing demeanor, he just seemed to me to be the quintessential knower of wisdom.

Since the class included a fair amount of theoretical academic mumbo-jumbo that I couldn’t understand, I implored him in my typical impatient manner to share some nugget of wisdom that would provide a practical beacon to help future public administrators to navigate the ethical and moral minefields that lay ahead. The wise old professor routinely resisted, but by the end of class, I must of worn him down. After asking for about the tenth time if he could provide some simple instruction to help my fellow students and me avoid the pitfalls of bad behavior, he stopped and reluctantly said “well…here’s what I do.”

He then went on to explain that some old teacher of his, from seminary school as I recall, gave him this advice. The next time you’re faced with some moral dilemma, before acting, take at least 30 seconds to think. Use the time to create a clear picture of an above-the-fold headline in tomorrow’s New York Times, Cleveland Plain Dealer or Wall Street Journal of what you’re about to do. If you’d be proud of the headline continue. If not…you’re probably making a bad decision.

Damn…that was way too easy and it instantly resonated with me. Since hearing it, I’ve deployed that strategy time and time again and I’d say it actually works for me about 85% of the time. There are still times when I picture a god-awful headline and make the wrong decision anyway, but most of the time it’s served as a pretty good guide. Times I neglect to think about the headline at all, I usually make the wrong call.

Ironically that happened on the morning of my ethics presentation. After running the afternoon  I arrived at the hotel and again the following morning, I was particularly parched as I walked around the hotel room preparing for the class. In the room, the hotel had provided a couple of bottles of water that were $3.25 each as denoted by the paper collars that hung around the bottle caps.

Now…I wanted water, but as the son of a Depression  era father, I’m not paying more for water than I do for gasoline. So, I carefully removed the paper collar and twisted open the bottle and downed the entire contents in almost one gulp. Then, I walked into the bathroom and refilled the bottle in the sink and carefully twisted the cap back on before gingerly placing the collar back in place as well. Once I put the bottle back in its original location next to the flat screen TV, there was little evidence that I’d sinned. I never pictured the headline, and if I had, it would have been almost as ugly as charging over three bucks for 16 ounces of water that most studies show is no better than what comes out of the tap.

See…I am the wrong person to teach the class.

Have a great weekend.

The lights are turned way down low...

 

 

...and if you're having a bad day, be glad you're not giving a speech

You’ve probably heard it said before that most human’s fear public speaking. Well, if there’s anything to the top 10 fears listed in the “Book of Lists,” it appears that is certainly the case.

The Book of Lists reports the Top Ten Human Fears as:

1. Speaking before a Group
2. Heights
3. Insects and bugs
4. Financial problems
5. Deep water
6. Sickness
7. Death
8. Flying
9. Loneliness
10. Dogs

Comedian Jay Leno looked at this list and quipped that most people “would apparently rather be in the casket…than giving the eulogy.”

Like you, I’ve heard references to surveys of humans that cite a fear of public speaking ahead of dying. I’ve never checked the accuracy of this list (found this one after googling “human fears”) but I’m guessing this is pretty typical. Not really sure about the order of this list either, but the bottom line is if you search a bit, you’ll find plenty of data that list the fear of having to speak before a group well-ahead of the fear of death.

Not really sure about you, but this statistic has always puzzled me. I actually love to speak in front of large groups, but I’m MUCH more comfortable in front of 1,000 than I am at a conference table with ten work peers or giving a toast to a dinner table of very close friends. For me, being in front of a large group is like crystal-meth (I mean…as I’ve imagined the drug would be), but it’s obviously not that way for most people. And maybe that’s why I really don’t feel comfortable at all talking in the intimacy of small groups.   

If there’s anything to the cited statistic, I suspect most folks perceive they’re more fearful of having to deliver a speech in front of any size group.  However I’ve always guessed that priority would instantly flip with just one challenging diagnosis. Heck, I’m betting one word from your family doctor or a referred specialist might suddenly cause one to instantly worry less about a fear of public speaking...or at least to reorder your list.  However in any event the fear is real, and it was confirmed yet again for me after spending the majority of this week co-teaching a communication’s and public speaking course.

The group was smaller than usual for this class (probably the holidays) but the more intimate setting allowed for more than several of the otherwise hardened professionals to reveal that they were really sort of “shy,” or at the very least, not inclined to want to speak in front of others. The closeness of the small class size also made it harder on me…as it was much more like the conference table setting than being in front of the normally larger class…which must for me, provides a greater degree of insulation.  

As part of the class, participants had to prepare remarks to be delivered in front of a mock public body (City Council Meeting, School Board, Utility public agency). Most people despise role-plays (including me), but without question, all of the speakers did markedly better than they predicted they would do. This is no minor accomplishment by the way…especially because they pulled in off in front a group of industry peers that were scrutinizing their every move and critiquing them when they finished. Several of the students admitted they felt “like they were going to pass out…” but they all did very well…especially considering that for many of them, it was their maiden voyage (that does mean first...right?).

What’s the point of all this? Not really sure…but just off the top of my head at 4:33am EST, three things jump out at me. First, despite our fears, we can probably all do better at something we're scared of if we just face it. In essence, we can all be better than we think we can be. Second, there must be something wrong with me…because this thing about being more comfortable around many than a few is troubling...and I'm pretty sure any explanation for it isn't very flattering. Lastly, there really is something you can learn here each Friday about that important communication’s rule. If you don’t have something worthwhile to say…don’t. This is especially true when you’re sitting at the keyboard before dawn trying to figure out what to write.

 
There are less than 20 days until Christmas, and despite what I thought were sincere pledges to exhale and enjoy the magic of the season, the consequence of work-related procrastination, the inability to say “no,” and generally poor holiday planning are conspiring to make this December the most hurried and stressful of my adult life. Worst part is, as with most messes I find myself at the center of, I've had almost complete control of the wheel the whole way in.

So, as is too often the case, please ignore my abysmal personal example and instead heed what is arrogantly offered here each Friday as sage advice  that is given but ashamedly almost never modeled. Slow down, pour yourself a glass of something soothing, sit by the fire and put on some relaxing music. Spend some actual time with the people and pets that matter most.  It is after all, the holidays.

...each one is giving his all