...and you're not the only one on the road (planet).

It happened again last night while driving westbound on “I Street” in downtown DC on the way home from the office after a long day at about 8:40pm. Traffic was slogging along…even at that hour, and while still moving the cab driver ahead of me flipped on his hazard lights. Though as a product of Los Angeles this whole hazard lights for anything other than a roadside emergency issue was a genuine phenomenon when I moved to the East Coast about 10 years ago, I now know what this maneuver meant. It was the cabdriver’s way of letting me know that there was no immediate place to pull over, so instead he’d be stopping his car in the middle of one of the only two moving lanes, and sitting there until his A-Hole passenger sluggishly paid, made some small talk, and then slowly exited the vehicle as if every single fellow human being stuck behind him was some lower life form with leprosy that somehow didn’t matter as much as their need to be dropped off directly in front of the latest Sushi hot spot.

In LA, you might turn on your hazards if your Lexus stalls on the Freeway and you’ve drifted over to the right shoulder (so your fellow citizens can pass) or to alert folks behind you if you’ve pulled over (so your fellow brothers and sisters can pass) while you change a flat tire on your Mercedes SUV. Here in the east, or at least in the District of Columbia, it’s as if at least some people have been led to believe that the vehicle manufactures somehow included the hazard feature as some sort of low-voltage direct current “Screw You and Everybody Behind You” tool they can use to block the only service lane in Cleveland Park so they can run in a pick up their dry cleaning while you and the rest of society waits on them.

I remember sitting in my uncle’s American made Lincoln sometime in the late 1980s and listening to the radio to kill some time one Sunday before the mid-morning 10am service at the Evangelical Free Church in Wolverton, MN. There was a report on the news about a second random freeway shooting in my hometown of Los Angeles (where I lived at the time) due to what they believed was no other reason than road rage. Apparently, people were becoming so fed up with poor driving they would lose their cool and actually fire shots into the offending driver’s vehicle. I remember laughing at the time, and my uncle being perplexed at my lighthearted response. “You just watch” I told him… “this is going to catch on.” I was right.

Well…there are a lot of things I hated about living in LA, but one of few things I liked is that people are just naturally better drivers (the shootings helped). And while there’s no shortage of egotistical A-holes with credit scores suggesting they should be driving a Datsun instead of their 72-month fully financed low-end BMW, people are generally more courteous when they drive…or at least when they think about blocking an entire lane of traffic during rush hour. While some folks in the City of the Angeles may be self-absorbed narcissists that believe you are what you drive, nobody fool (other than a transplant from DC) would knowingly flip on their hazards in a moving lane so they could run into the market to pick up a loaf of bread. If they did, they know they’d run the risk of some Crip, or Blood, or Dentist or Attorney or Nun or Noble Peace Prize winner popping a cap in their ass to teach them some freaking driving etiquette.

Now…I know what you’re thinking, and yes, there are exceptions to blocking a lane of traffic. If you’re headed up 16^th Street in rush hour and you notice some environmental jackass leisurely peddling their bicycle in the middle of the lane slowing every single commuter behind them, it’s OK to stop. But please, don’t give them a heads up by signaling with your hazard lights. Instead slow a bit until they're right on your tail and then slam on your breaks so they careen directly into your rear end. It may not seem like it for a couple of decades, but after you're released from prison, you’ll realize you were doing the world a favor.

What’s the point of all this? Well…it might be that I need a vacation or to recalibrate my medication, but one other lesson could be to think a bit the next time you’re tempted to flip on your hazard lights. You’ve got a duty to your fellow commuter, so the next time the urge strikes, pull your head out of your rectum long enough to look around at the rest of the world. There are other people here too...and we’re all trying to get home after a long day just like you.

It’s Friday, and after a week of hellacious commutes, it’s time to kick back and spend some time with the people and pets that you love. If you can, stay off the road. But if you must drive…be kind to your fellow citizens…and listen to a little music while you roll down the road.

 

Leroy says hello...

 

BTW...sorry about that bad song link for email subscribers last week. I need to take some computer classes.