It’s not always easy being the
only guy in the office, but the experience has taught me a lot about the bias
involved in the way people the often perceive power and gender. Sadly though,
even with the benefit of such insight, I still routinely commit the same types
of sins…and managed to do so yet again this week…which is why it’s the subject
of today’s blog.
As a 52 year-old male, most of
the time I’m amazed as how far this country has come. With at least the
possibility of the first woman President a reality, I’m often baffled at the
continued clamoring about sexism that still exists today. Sure, like a lot of
people I still see glimpses of it, but to hear ongoing claims of prejudice,
especially with respect to women, often seems exaggerated. But then something
happens like happened to me this week…and I’m reminded there is some genuine
fire behind that smoke.
My first exposure to an understated
way this can manifest itself occurred while dining out some female colleagues some time ago. We were sitting in a popular
restaurant we used to go to frequently enjoying lunch when the maître ‘d stopped
by as he always to verify that everything was all good. I loved the fact that
he always checked in on us, but as I looked up I noticed my two female dinning
partners exchanging a glance and rolling their eyes in disgust.
“What…you don’t like that guy?”
I asked.
“I just find that unbelievable”
responded one of them.
“Why…you think it’s weird that
he always checks on us…what’s wrong with that?” I countered.
“There wouldn’t be if he was
checking on us…but the only one he’s really checking on is you” she shot back.
“What are you talking about?” I
asked completely baffled.”
“Oh common” the other female
diner said… “like you don’t know.”
“I have completely zero idea
what the hell you’re both talking about” I shot back.
“Have you ever noticed that
every time that guy comes over to our table…he only looks at and addresses only
you?”
“No” I responded. “But even if
that’s true…maybe it’s because I’m so handsome.”
“No…trust us…that’s not the
reason. It’s because you’re a guy, he just presumes you’re in charge and you’re
buying.”
“Maybe he’s just perceptive and
I give off that kind of confident vibe of a leader” I countered.
“Dream on” one of them responded…
“don’t flatter yourself”
Just as a side note…I think that
could still be it.
Since that incident I’ve seen
it play out over and over, often in subtle ways…but very real nonetheless. I’ve
often been introduced to complete strangers along with a woman that out ranks
me, only to have the person I’ve just been introduced to unknowingly direct a
disproportionate amount of their attention toward me…or some other male, as if
they somehow presume it’s the guy that must really have the power.
Several weeks ago while out west
I was in a meeting with a couple of folks I didn’t know at all. There were a
few of us in the room, including a man and a woman from an outside organization.
The fellow sat at the head of the table and his female colleague adjacent to him
on his left. I should have looked at their organization chart more closely, but
I recklessly proceeded to address the group giving a very disproportionate
amount of attention to the male presuming he was in charge.
A certified moron
would have figured this out long before me, but after the woman responded to
almost all of the initial questions, it dawned on me (probably long after the
rest of my colleagues) that the woman out ranked the guy. Sadly…I recognized
that I’d just presumed he was in charge…and to be honest…I can’t imagine how
idiotic I must have looked to the two of them. It was yet another painful
lesson that despite my recent office gender experience, I haven’t evolved near
as much as I’d like to think.
There’s yet another weird thing I’ve learned while working
around all these women…and it’s about the way they handle conflict…or at least
difficult relational situations. As a rough-n-tumble guy (or at least that’s
the way I like to see myself), I’ve sat in many a meeting with male colleagues
where we’re sort of advocating “screwing” some organization or individual over
to our way of thinking. It’s sort of tantamount to marching folks to the altar
with a shotgun to their respective head…but come hell or high-water, we’re
going to get something accomplished our way on our terms. But most of the women
I’ve worked with take a more indirect, less in-your-face approach…trying
instead to woo folks to their way of thinking by initially genuinely listening
to the concerns and needs of those their dealing with. Come to think of it, several of the most effective male leaders I've had the privilege of observing over the years have done it the same way.
I was having a conversation about 10 years ago in California with
a very high-ranking woman about developing a strategy designed to heal a
longstanding rift with an outside organization. I was lamenting all of the
conversations I’d had on the subject where the discussion seemed to be focusing
on somehow leveraging our power and bringing the outside group to their knees thus
coercing them back into the relationship. I was complaining about the fact that
I thought it would be so much smarter to let the group save face and invest
time into wooing them back. Then, as I talked, the accomplished woman leader
suddenly stopped…smiled, and astonishingly responded to me by saying “oh my god…maybe
it’s true what they say about you…you might actually be a woman.”
What’s the point of all this? Hell if I know…I’m guessing there
isn’t really much of one. Could be I’m trying to curry favor with my office colleagues…but I have a feeling it’s more about being haunted by behaving
like a fool in the meeting referenced above…especially knowing what I should know
by virtue of my work environment. Could
be too that this is all I could come up with at 4am on a Friday…which might be
yet more evidence to consider if you ever think you want to take on the
obligation of writing a weekly blog. If you’re ever tempted…keep this post and
use it as a rationale to fight that urge.
Have a great weekend…and if you’re inclined to spend too much of
it working at the expense of your family and friends…fight that urge too.
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