Back when I was about 20…maybe even younger, my father identified unflattering characteristics in my personality and essentially implored me to read Dale Carnegie’s well-known 1936 masterpiece “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. Though there was immediate tangible value in the simple wisdom of the easy read, I’ve somehow managed to push those ultimate truths to the dark corners of the brain. Even more troubling, these failings have only accelerated with advancing years, and despite the knowledge that is supposed to come with aging, it is clear to me I have only regressed as the time has passed.
About five years ago, I walked into the office of a colleague who I admire and who struck me as among the rare few that didn’t need to read Dale’s book. As we chatted, I barely noticed an unimpressive and old-school 8x14 Xerox list subtly displayed on the wall. Consistent with someone that lacks the minimal civility to win friends or influence people, I rudely let my eyes wander amidst our conversation to the list and its contents. The title, The Ten Commandments of How to Get Along With People, immediate caught my eye. Seeing my interest, my coworker stated it was something she received from another colleague. I asked her if I could get a copy, and consistent with item #3 on the commandments below, she pledged to make me a copy and delivered it to my office several days later.
My intent was to review the list before the start of each day, and for about a week, I did just that. Over time, that ritual deteriorated to about once a week…and then once a month…and then once every couple of years. After a particularly frustrating week, I came into the office yesterday morning lamenting all that was wrong with the world, and unexplainably happened to glance up at the 8x14 list (I brought it with me to this still new office). As used to happen much more frequently, I was again reminded that most of my frustration was due to me…and once again reviewed the list in detail.
I did more than that…and actually took the time to type up the entire list for this blog (if you know Mark Zorbrisky you can verify this…he walked in and caught me). I have no doubt there are much better lists, but for some reason, I just like the simplicity of this particular litany. As I read through it again, it was like a sobering glance in the mirror…and I was rudely reminded of how deficient I am in so many of the areas. As often is the case, I couldn’t help but fantasize how much better my life would be if I could just improve a little bit in each of these areas.
The list appears immediately below…and I took the liberty to include some thoughts (in read) after each commandment.
Ten Commandment of How to Get Along With People
1) Keep skid chains on your tongue; always say less than you think. Cultivate a low, persuasive voice. How you say it often counts more than what you say.
Thinking back, it’s amazing to think how much heartache and embarrassment I could have saved by just keeping my mouth shut…especially at certain times. I used to understand the value of silence, but sadly over the years, that lesson has somehow faded.
2) Never let an opportunity pass to say a kind and encouraging word to our about somebody. Praise good work, regardless of who did it. If criticism is needed, criticize helpfully and never spitefully.
OK…not going to brag here, but this might be the only area where I may be adequate. Perhaps it’s no better than C+ work, but I’ve always been truly touched by hardworking people and really do try to praise their good work.
3) Make promises sparingly, and keep them faithfully, no matter what it costs.
Actually, my remedy here is just to make very few promises. I get low marks on following through….so in general I try to keep them to a minimum.
4) Be interested in others, their pursuits, their work, their homes and families. Make merry with those who rejoice, with those who weep mourn. Let everyone you meet, however humble, feel that you regard them as a person of importance.
Once again, not a good reflection in the old looking glass. D work here at best…way too consumed with my own life to convey too much interest in the lives of those around me.
5) Be cheerful. Don’t burden or depress those around you with your aches and pains and small disappointments. Remember, everyone is carrying some kind of load…and it’s often way worse than the one you’re bearing.
Uff da….this one actually hurts. Ask me how I’m doing and you’ll get an earful on everything that’s wrong with the world and a comprehensive update on the status of my torn meniscus. You can give me a solid F in this department.
6) Keep an open mind. Discuss but don’t argue. It is a mark of a superior mind to be able to disagree without being disagreeable.
My lord this is hard. Another real area of weakness for me. Not seeing a whole lot of need for an open mind when I already know I’m right the lion’s share of the time.
7) Let your virtues, if you have any, speak for themselves. Refuse to talk of another’s vices. Discourage gossip. It is a waste of valuable time and can be extremely destructive.
Discourage gossip?...not sure that even makes sense. If kibitzing about the bad deeds of others was wrong, I don’t think god would have made it such an entertaining way to pass such large blocks of time. I’m sure as heck not going to share my own transgressions with others, so I may as well spend the hours hashing over the sordid rumors of someone else’s existence. With respect to virtues, I’d love to keep a low profile but the fact of the matter is at the end of the day, I am pretty cool.
8) Be careful of another’s feelings. Wit and humor at the other person’s expense are rarely worth it and may hurt when least expected.
OK…going to have to just flat out claim baloney here. It’s much funnier when it comes at someone else’s expense.
9) Pay no attention to ill-natured remarks about you. Remember, the person who carried the message may not be most accurate reporter. Simply live so that nobody will believe them. Disordered nerves and bad digestion are a common cause of back-biting.
Uh…I’m not sure this is right either. It might be the cause of entertainment, but I don’t get any indigestion.
10) Don’t be too anxious about the credit due you. Do your best and be patient. Forget about yourself and let others “remember.” Success is much sweeter that way.
What…forget about myself? Presuming that’s even possible (and I’m conceding nothing here), what would I think about instead? Also…and I’m just saying here, what about all the stellar work I’ve done lately that others are taking credit for? I mean…I can’t think of any specifics…but it’s there…trust me.
As always...I apologize for any typos, misspellings, and all the really poor grammar.
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