About 15 years ago,
when she move her antiques operation from Ojai, California to Solvang, I got
the brainstorm that some nifty ink-pens marketing the name of her business (“Helen’s
Precious Things”) would make a cool Christmas gift. I was actually referred to
a woman named Janie that lived in my area that had just such a business, so
when given her number by a colleague I contacted her and placed the order. I
remember being somewhat alarmed because Janice seemed a little dense when I
gave her the information. I wanted the pens to have the name of the business
(Helen’s Precious Things) and the telephone number and address of the Solvang
Antique Center. As I recall I ordered about 300 pens…and if I remember
correctly the cost of this purchase at the time was somewhere in the
neighborhood of $150.00.
At that point in my
early 30s, it was more than a little out-of-character for me to be that
prepared and to have it together enough to order the pens with enough lead time
to arrive ahead of the holiday. I eagerly anticipated receiving the pens
knowing my mother would probably be thrilled to have something promoting her
business. The package was delivered to my home well-ahead of the specified
time, and I remember thinking that Janice was obviously better than I’d initially
assessed. I opened the box to look at the forest green and white pens and
immediately knew I’d hit a gift home run. They were pretty cool looking, and as
I scrutinized them more closely I noticed that Solvang was spelled Solvant…and
just to put me further in the holiday spirit, Janice the monumental moron had
also managed to muck up the address.
Thankfully, my time
going through an electrical apprenticeship and coaching inner-city high school
football in rough-n-tumble Los Angeles meant I was fully fluent in both
Building and Construction Trades language and general male locker room
exchanges. Though I knew the calendar meant there was no time to correct
Janice’s galactic blunder in time to save the Christmas gift, I looked forward
to calling the idiot and unloading with both barrels. The pen idea had been a
rare show of creativity for me, and to have such uncommon gift genius (what
does it mean that I had to spellcheck genius?) undone by an idiot that
theoretically worked in the pen providing business…well…let’s just say I was
looking forward to verbally tearing her a new one.
Well, given that you’re already bored
with the story, I won’t make it worse by giving you the profane details of the
call. But after her unenthusiastic husband answered the phone and transferred me
to Janice (who almost sounded drunk), I clearly conveyed my displeasure with her
piss-poor performance. She was profusely apologetic, but I was unrelenting, and
because she’d essentially ruined a good gift plan, I really did skewer her. She
made some feeble attempt to make it right, but I remember knowing it wouldn’t
make much difference and pretty much hung up in disgust. Her mistake had been
inexcusable, and her sorry attempt to remedy her unforgivable faux pas was all
the more unsatisfying. It was yet another experience that vividly revealed that
despite God’s omnipotent power, he (or she) really does see fit to routinely
literally waste humane flesh.
About
a week and a half later, on about the 23rd I called Janice back to
get some idea of when my next shipment of screwed up pens might show. Her
nitwit husband again picked up the phone with the enthusiasm and clarity of
someone undergoing a root canal and when I asked to speak to his wife, his
voice kind of cracked and he said she had passed away about a week ago. She had
been very sick for a long time, but that now “she’s finally done suffering.” I
said that is all well and good, but that I had a pen order and needed to check
the status of my delivery. Actually, I capable of some amazingly stupid
behavior, but that’s not really what I said. I feebly offered my condolences
and hurried to get off the uncomfortable call as quickly as possible.
Thankfully
I don’t remember thinking much about being out $150 clams and having 300
useless pens (actually, they still provided a useful writing utensil). I
remember being horrified by the way I treated this woman, and haunted by the fact
that her medical condition surely contributed to the incorrect order. I
remember feeling horrible about the awful things I said to her…just days before
she passed away. I remembered too that she never fired back, took the high
road, apologized and never complained about her illness or cited it as an excuse
for the mix up.
Sometime
in the forenoon on Christmas Eve, there was a knock on the door from a UPS man.
He handed me a small rush package and inside the box were 600 (a double order)
perfectly stenciled pens with Helen’s Precious Things and the correct address
and phone number. There was also a check for a full refund made out to me for
the first order and a handwritten note of apology from Janice for the mistake
and any inconvenience caused me. Putting the time-lime together, she appeared
to have taking care of all of this the day before she passed away.
You never know what somebody is going through or how long they’ll be around. You might just want to treat them a little better…or at least think about doing so.
Hope
you have a tremendous holiday weekend. Remember to do something relaxing and
fun, and to hug the people and pets that you love…and maybe even a few that you
don’t.
Sorry for all the typos, misspellings, bad writing and poor grammar.
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