One of the few benefits of
getting up at 3:55am each weekday is I have just that kind of time to focus on
online work. This past Wednesday I was down in the basement gym and between
bench-press reps, answering emails and checking my ESPN waiver order, I noticed
a news story on MSN about the craziest men’s fashion faux pas of the last 20
years. If you’re forced
to read it appeared to be the dream story with lots of big pictures and short
captions, so I dove in.
Well, as someone who is pretty
confident I’m styling by virtue of my adult Garanimals (click here to learn more),
I always take special pleasure in catching up on the idiotic styles of men who
are convinced they’re reinventing the world through drawing attention to
themselves by looking like morons. Thankfully the article didn’t
disappoint. The goofy pictures accompanied by blistering comments were
hilarious, and the piece effectively poked fun at a myriad of incredibly stupid
fashion trends tried by adult males.
They covered a ton of
ground…blasting guyliner (eyeliner for men) and ridiculing ridiculous
hairstyles that included frosted tips, faux hawks and mullets. They made fun of
wallet chains (noting that most knuckleheads that wear them have little or nothing
in their wallets to secure), and slammed Ashton Kutcher for wearing manpris
(capris pants for men…and they had pictures of him). They rightfully crucified
men’s sandals or “mandals” (permissible perhaps if you’re parting the Red
Sea…otherwise just wear shoes), sweat suits (OK for aging mafia folks),
carpenter jeans (but only if you’re really working with a hammer and nails) and
chinstrap beards (fine if you’re pre-puberty and can’t grow real facial hair).
They pummeled soul patches,
flat-billed baseball caps, sagging pants (if you’re going to wear them that
low, just walk around in your underwear), wind pants and visors. They even
addressed those that have completely thrown in the fashion towel, and made fun
of men that were Crocs.
Needless to say the dead-on
piece was funny, and while scrolling through I couldn’t help but laugh out loud
at all the foolish fashion don’ts committed by so many of my brethren. It was also
refreshing to see somebody telling it like it is when it comes to such poor
style sense. I was thoroughly enjoying all the fun when all of the sudden, the
next picture was of the once popular loose-fitting clown pants known as
Zubaz. While these baggy pants may have looked a little weird, I used to
wear them with regularity back in the late 80’s and when I did…I looked cool. I
had a white-and-black pair and a pink-and-black pair, and along with my
bare mid-drift Pit Bull Gym muscle tees and lime-green fanny pack, I actually
looked pretty hip.
The arrogance of the article was
starting to get a little annoying really, and I begin to wonder who in the hell
anointed these folks as fashion police and gave them the right to make fun of
men’s fashion…especially former staples of my wardrobe. I let it slide though,
because while they were wrong about the Zubaz, the rest of the previous
pictures were truly spot on. Then…I scrolled to the next picture.
It was a photo country singer
Kenny Chesney with a puka shell necklace and a caption that read simply “No
Shelled Necklaces.” Now…while the first part of this lame article was
barely worth a chuckle, this was clearly not funny at all. What the hell
is wrong with wearing puka shells? I’ve proudly sported a tight white shell necklace every day since about 1975 (perhaps that’s their
point), and I don’t see what the heck is wrong with it. Sure…it may be a little
old-school, but it’s not like I’m walking around with pierced holes in my
earlobes big enough to hang a week’s worth of dry-cleaning or going out in
public wearing bright colored skinny jeans. These shells are who I am, and
represent a youth where every, single summer day was spent riding the
waves in Santa Monica.
Every single summer day. I’ve earned these shells, and now that I’ve
heard they’re taboo (for the hundredth time), I’m never taking them off. Never.
This is why it’s a waste a lot
of time reading…especially the junk that’s online. Most of it just isn’t
credible. Thank god for Deadliest Catch and Iron Men…now that’s the way to
spend your discretionary time.
When this whole Friday morning
email/blog thing started, it really was more about the music. I suspect only
one of two of the six folks that read this pitifully performing blog each week
actually click the link to the song. If I were you I’d skip the poor mistake-filled
writing that leads into the music, and just click the link to the tune. That’s
really the idea…to start your morning with a song before the business and
craziness of the day conspire to rob you of the morning peace. Today’s offering
won’t be everybody’s favorite
musical genre, but the vocal harmonies and
solo instrumental riffs in this tune should be enjoyable even if you’re a man sporting a mullet and wearing a sweat suit with mandals (and socks).
Have a great weekend.
…and if you’re
interested…here’s the article.
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